An online friend at cheaprvliving, reminded me today that I should update my blog. I was a little chagrin to know, he was right. I have not abandoned my blog. I have touched on this subject in previous posts, but I have only lightly glossed over everything I have been through. I've also had just a bit of trouble putting into words all of the turmoil that has been my life. Since 2011, when I lost both my Mother and Uncle, a mere four months apart, there has been no constant. Before that my life was still in turmoil, but it was a good kind of turmoil. Turmoil that I created myself. And I still had close family available. In 2009, I decided to simplify the life I was living and hated. I went through the process of shedding the house and all of the crap in my life. By mid 2010, I was about ready to start my new life. While I was in this process, I was temporarily staying with at my mothers. I had my van and was setting it up to live and travel in. At the time, I knew I had some medical problems that would not let me sustain that life forever. I had planned on a few years of travel and then a piece of rural land and an RV somewhere. Probably with me in one corner and my Uncle in the other. Especially since it looked like we both planned to be single the rest of our lives. Towards the latter part of 2010, my mother had a heart attack on top of other medical problems. At the hospital they told us to call hospice. Believe me, there were "death panels" even before Obamacare. We chose not to give up on her and bought her some more time by changing hospitals. Granted it was not but another 8 months, but without hospital intervention we would not have had that. My brother and I both put everything in our life on hold for that last 8 months. My brother owned a house in Shreveport, LA, just six blocks from LSU Medical center. We changed city and state to see that she was close to the best care she could get. And we proceeded to enjoy what time we had left with her. For 6 months we had quality time with her. For the last two it was quality but tough. My mother passed early in April of 2011.
My mother owned a 2500 sq ft Antebellum home with an equal basement below, all full of stuff. None of us cared for the house or where it was at, but we now had the duty of disposing of all that remained. Out of my Mother's four children, she had two that know their responsibility to family, one that lives in denial of bad ever happening, besides having her own family to deal with, and one that is a waste of life. My oldest, younger brother and I are the two that know that we have a responsibility to our family. We did that responsibility as best we could to take care of our mother. Once she had past, my brother was no longer emotionally capable of helping with all that remained. You see, he was her favorite. If she had decided to rob a bank, right or wrong, he would have driven the get away car for her. They were that close. For his sanity he needed to move back where he was living before and throw himself into work. I was left with all that remained.
In Aug, 2011, on what would have been my mother's 70th birthday, I was trying to make some progress in clearing out her house. The temperature was triple digits hot. Due to the extreme heat, we had a power outage. It was too hot to stay in that old house with it's 15 foot ceilings. After calling the power company to find it would be the middle of the night before power could be restored, I called my Uncle Randy. I thought I would go visit him and stay at his house till power was restored at my Mother's. Instead he suggested we go to the casino. You know the rest of this story from my previous blog post. My Uncle died that night with me just minutes behind him.
I am the oldest of the the next generation of our family. My brother, after me, is another nine years younger. I have always held a unique position in our families dynamics. I am only seven years younger than my youngest uncle. I was only nine years younger than my Uncle Randy. I spent many years with my grandparents growing up. Which in turn made my uncles more like my brothers. I also spent a couple of years with Randy as my guardian, so then you can add father figure to the list. All of that added together with the fact that Randy and I were the most alike and both single. We spent lots of time hanging out together. If I wanted to jump and run on a trip somewhere I would call Randy and see if he wanted to go and visa versa. Beside being related we were genuinely friends. Since Randy was a widower that never had children, the responsibility of his estate fell to me. So I now had two estates full of stuff to deal with. We are talking beyond an ordinary amount of stuff. Between my mother and uncles they had a running joke in the family. He who dies with the most stuff, WINS. Fortunately the winner is still alive and has his own family when that time comes. It has been just over two years and I am finally down to an 8x12 portable garage full of stuff. Everything but this last remaining bit has been dealt with. I bought this place about a year ago but this month I finally get to start living permanent in my RV. I no longer have to see to things elsewhere.
One of the reasons I skipped right on to the RV is that all of this has taken a toll on my already fragile health. I don't usually dwell on the negatives in my life or complain about my medical problems. But I will take a moment to briefly gloss over them. Barring accidents, everyone in my family, on both sides, have genetically bad hearts. They all die fairly early in life. My oldest uncle died at 56 of congestive heart failure. His first bypass was at 38. He is the most extreme case, but none of us make it to 70. My mother got the closest at 69. I personally know I only have about another 15 years, at best! Then we get to the emotional aspect of the last two years. I still have some family left, but my core family is gone. I love my kids but they have lives of their own they need to live. That is how it should be and I don't need to be trying to live vicariously through them. My brother has his life and business in a very urban city which I could never tolerate living in. My last remaining uncle has his own life and family with a wife that we have all just tolerated through the years. She has kind of alienated him from the rest of the family. When my mother and Randy died so close together. My youngest uncle made a statement to me that he felt excluded by them. What he never realized is that his wife did that for him. But if she makes him happy, I'm all for it. I am not a naturally trusting person, so the list of people I truly call my friends are a bare handful. They are scattered all over, like my family. I love where I live, but I don't know anyone. I still talk to friends and family on the phone, on a regular basis. Am I saying the problem is loneliness.... not really, I like solitude. That being said, I am not an introvert either. I know part of the problem is my limited physical abilities. But the main problem is that I'm at a bit of a lost without the family that grounded me. I find it easier to accept my mother's death because it followed through to the natural conclusion of her life. But I think, after two years I am still angry that Randy was taken before his time. Family has always been one of the most important aspect of my life. And now that it's limited and scattered, I am left wondering ...where do I go from here.
Until the events of 2011, I have always tried to keep my posts positive and upbeat. The last two years there just has not been much to say that could be considered positive, so I have said nothing at all. From here on out I will try to do better.
